Libertad Expresión de pingüinos y Los de Las Malvinas: La paranoia de los guerreros in prensa de Gran Bretana

NONCOMPLIANT FEELING? LEAVE!

When things are not going so well I like to remind myself how much worse it could be.

So I visit the Lincolnshire Echo newspaper website. It's part of Northcliffe Media, with newspapers all over the UK, and interests in Croatia, Romania, Bulgaria, Slovakia and Hungary.

Usually some local problem is in the news. Often comments are added by readers complaining about the problem, hoping it will not start, or not get worse, or stating a desire that it will stop, or shouldn't have happened.

Then however, contributors to these debates quickly appear, supporting the people causing the problem.

A pattern emerged. The gist of many of these secondary comments was, "If you don't like it, don't live there."

Well, I didn't like it. And I don't.

Often it is pointed out that the thing being complained about "was there before you." Whatever gets somewhere first claims all rights to the complete environment, according to these rules.

Thus the WW2 invasion of Europe by the Allies would be seen by these robotic writers as a big mistake.

Hitler was there first. And if you didn't like it, you could, er...leave.

However any controversy involving money must include a comment to remind us that the money would be better spent on "our" war.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, MOVE

Could the Echo readers' way of looking at things be expanded to solve all the difficulties of human coexistence?

Why, yes. I began to realise that by going with the flow of this philosophy, everyone could just keep moving around.

Until we all arrive at a place where everybody likes everything.

And so it came to pass that Julian of Slovenia offered readers of the Echo's blood-soaked pages similar advice on most topics, from autism and crime, to military propaganda and environmental greenwash. The staple diet of Echo "journalism" in fact.

The suggestion they reduce all dissonance with their environment by moving away was hypnotically reinforced.

The paper's never ending bugle blowing for the local military has gone on for years in the form of almost daily "stories" about the Vulcan nuclear bomber and the RAF fighter display team. Open any issue from ten years ago - the same thing.

Yet it is silent on local nuclear and chemical weapons history and the effects of Lincolnshire's war on the victims of "our heroes". A local paper must maintain relations with a very few regular sources, police, councils, etc., and the sources know it.

Add fake "real people's opinions" to confirm what the sources want the journalist to say, and a strange scenario percolates. What, if such a thing existed, would it want?

It would want its opinions to hold higher status than the advertorial or politicking it really is. It would aim to mislead, dumb down and stifle discussion. It would seek totalitarian goals using freedom of speech.

In my project this drip of one-sided PR-blogging was countered with eye-opening satirical criticism of waste, bloodshed and murder. Tut tut.

Articles on health and crime topics were put into context with reminders that 20 local councillors had voted to alter the population's biochemistry with a neurodevelopmental toxin which itself owes much of its skewed reputation to the nuclear arms race.

Journalistic integrity and neutrality were quickly revealed as a sham as inconvenient truths were "moderated" i.e. deleted, sometimes leaving my respondents looking quaintly mad.

The hardcore half a dozen or so regular commentators' inept attempts to justify military murder, anti-environmental and other right-wing agendas waste no time before descending into threats and insults.

Anti-warplane people are "ignorant idiots" and "conspiracy theorists" on the "outer fringes", who do not know "history" or "the big picture". Articulacy and wit are not part of the attack strategy. Nor are facts. Enemies of warfare ARE the enemy.

These are emotional people, quick to rise. Ex-forces cluster-munitions fan "Monkfish", outmanouevered on the topic of these now-illegal bombs maiming farmers and children, returned fire by implying I'm retarded. His next escalation: he hopes "we get your house next time".

I responded that it's a heritage site. In a useful insight into what "defence" is all about he struck back with the compelling argument that all Slovenians are retards.

Those familiar with the Daily Mail will be unsurprised to learn that faced with attempts to report this racist abuse "the system encountered a serious error".

I bet it did. My posts were expunged equally with his.

Another strange stalwart, "Gnome Chomsky", was quick to find reasons to oppose free parking. My subversive, empire-wobbling contention that parking is the only profit-making thing Lincoln City Council provides that people actually want was very rapidly censored indeed.

His other posts bolster militarism and dismiss a scientific critique of consuming the neurodevelopmental toxin as "a conspiracy theory".

Soon Lincoln's Alf Garnetts both on and off the paper's staff were losing the PR war and looking rather silly indeed.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, REMOVE

The Northcliffe media are not designed to handle anything logical, smart, funny, informed, satirical, broadminded, different or, worst of all, thought-provoking.

So after 36 days Julian of Slovenia was banned from making further comments on the Lincolnshire Echo site.

To me this is like a medal for authenticity. I didn't even get the vicious unprovoked attack in the city centre, by people immune from prosecution, that anything in Lincoln with an IQ higher than peat usually attracts. I am in Slovenia, of course.

On 31 August 2010 I had reminded readers of yet another Vulcan item that, supported by 11 air-to-air refuelling aircraft these geriatric bombers had themselves alone used a total of 880,000 gallons of aviation fuel flying 60,000 kilometers to Las Malvinas to make one crater in a runway (repaired next day), damage one radar station and destroy another, and to blow up some tents, in order to turn a UK populace miserable from high inflation and unemployment into the moronic cheering patriotic mob who re-elected Margaret Thatcher so she could destroy the trades unions.

Was this a heresy too far? Yawn. As "Karlos" enquired "What anal leakage are you going on about?" the final straw for Lincolnshire Bummer Command was the true fact that:

"The penguins are too light to set off the landmines, which actually preserve their breeding grounds by preventing tourists from stomping all over them. Hurrah for Argentina and its wildlife-preserving mine-laying activities!"

The number of people who read these things must be quite insignificant, leaving me wondering just who my defenders are, and why they get so paranoid when I have my fun.

Would it be possible to beat 36 days for muzzling of free speech on a Northcliffe site by means of fair comment without abuse?

The first challenger on the scene was Sam of Spalding, an admittedly fictional character, but he means no harm...

A sort of SMS-literate Molesworth for today's society, Sam applied himself to various "ishoes".

Ever resourceful with maths and lateral thinking, Sam's suggestions include support for smells from dairy farming - "Cows canot fly but by thickineng air neer the ground thair bovine gasses shud make a softr landing for planes" - and sacking Lincolnshire County Council's Chief Executive and instead spending his salary on enough bullets "to deefend Lincon by shuting 1620206 terrurrists".

Sam's own "rain of terrur" over the Lincolnshire Echo lasted just 7 days. He was banned from posting on 6 September 2010.

Sam was immediately succeeded by Son of Sam, who from his lair in Slovenia was able to continue his dad's mission to ensure Echo readers "hu dnt bye the Daley Mail reseev the rite opinnions in a fare and ballenced weigh".

Son of Sam lasted until 14 September 2010. He was replaced by Nephew of Sam.

He made fun of the Red Arrows as usual.

He said that parents trying to save a park being closed were very brave to present a list of their names and addresses to Lincoln City Council, as they would probably have a lot of hassle with their council tax and housing benefits.

Would the authority really use its conveniently incompetent local tax/benefits system to inflict revenge on political opponents or irritating voters? This extraordinary idea must have touched a nerve. The comment disappeared and Nephew of Sam was banned from posting within 8 hours.

Nebuchadgazza lasted 5 hours with his now mostly deleted religious postings on spermatogenesis, isovolumic relaxation time, and the redistribution via the back door of counterfeit goods seized by Trading Standards to local happy clappers.

His successor Nebuchadgeeza did a little less well, surviving overnight to have his parody of the perennial distraction crime story removed before being clobberated.

OK it's not Wikileaks. But Nebuchadgeeza, Nebuchadgazza, Nephew of Sam, Son of Sam, Sam of Spalding and Julian of Slovenia are interested in your Northcliffe news blackout experiences. Email your story to najskapati@gmail.com