*Days of DNA


Man that is born of woman is of few days, and full of trouble...Who can bring a clean thing out of an unclean? There is not one. [Job 14:1 & 4]


One of my fave jobs as National Poet Of Slovenia In A Language People Understand is doing poems to mark major religious occasions.

This time it's the Slovenian media's attempt to scientifically verify that Cardinal Franc Rode got his rocks off in 1969. 

Following his reluctant agreement to a public Kyle-style paternity test the joyous confirmation arrived from Germany (putative son Stelzer felt unable to rely on a Slovenian lab) that when it came to the impregnation of Miss Tanja Breda at Maribor Theological College, Fr. Rode just didn't have it in him.

In circo Hieremiae Kyle finalis
Ballivius pendo vestra genitalis
Venisti in involucra
Post annis. Ita? Quis lucror?
Exclamo resultaret triumphalis!


Which proves what a good egg he really is.

Although it would be funnier under these circumstances to pronounce the Cardinal's name the Slavic way - Rodder - you might get sued for reading it thus, unless it turns out his cells have got mixed up at the lab with a black man's.

So read Rode the ignorant English way - to rhyme with load.  I think you'll agree this allows you to better enjoy the poem's relentless bombardment of homophonic filth and sprawl of intolerable assonances.

"The Larger Tight Bra - Great!" is a celebration of the unheimlich dolina of Slovenian sexuality, gelling two of my biggest interests: the religion's idiotological battle with its own private parts - and other peoples' too - and getting an enthusiastic lady all hot and bothered in her knickers and stuff. 

Unfortunately I live in Ptuj.  I'm foreign too.  Which means some hero would have to be standing there watching and trying to prevent anything happening.  Which I'm not really into...

Now that the alleged test results are in, what have we learned from Slovenia's media coverage of this alleged shag 43 years ago? That although alleged rape is bad, alleged fatherhood is much worse.

Surely after all this fuss that's gone on it would make sense to have all Catholic priests' DNA kept on a database in order to prove their innocence in future.

To be honest, like everyone else I was expecting a positive result with the DNA so I have had to alter the poem a bit at the last moment, mainly by adding loads of question marks.

Luckily this has turned it into Q&A notes which will prove useful to
Slovenia's journos and/or the Breda/Stelzer legal team when they  pursue the matter of how far this young couple went, in the fair and true press and courtrooms of this land, si quaerimus cum saepius Nadeo ( Reid v. Linnell, [1923] SCR 594 ).

The National Poet Of Slovenia In A Language People Understand wishes to thank Alfred Tennyson, assistant poet, on this one. Hear Lord Alf himself having a go at the poem (sorry about the mistakes - he's quite old, I'm afraid!)



Half a leg, half a leg?
Half a leg onward?
Up Tanja's valley Franc
Rode her sex undies?
"Upward large tight bra, great!
Barge with my gun!" he said?
Up titty valley Franc
Rode her sex undies?

"Downward, the tight bra, great!"?
Is there a nip display'd?
Now would a young girl blow?
Which prelate(s) blunder'd?
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Where's his DNA creampie?
Up Tanja's valley Franc
Rode her sex undies?

Canon law right of them,
Canon law left of them,
Canon law sends priests on
Hols, not down dungeons.
Did their willies burn like hell?
Rode, Uran, bewitched by spell?
Into the lady's pants?
Into the mouth as well?
Rode in sex undies?

Flash'd all their botties bare?
Flash'd Catholic underwear?
Grabbing of buns everywhere?
The pope'll go barmy, while
This preggo chunders?
Gunged in a buttery poke?
Teenage girl, religious bloke?
(Coupla Black Russians?)
Reel'd from the willy-stroke?
Vatican plunder'd?
She did Rode back? But not,
Not for the fun, she?

Canon law right of them,
Canon law left of them,
Come up behind then
Wobblies...he's done her!?
Storm'd her and shot his bell?
Cries hoarse and fishy smell?
Altar has collapsed as well?
Came! Who's the daddy now?
Spunk all up the tunicle?
Not much was left of them,
Without sex undies?

Confession? Glory whole?
Try the "liar" charge? Ach wohl.
Why hast thou ponder'd?
Honour the discharge made
In her, the tight bra - great
Knobbing sex undies!


Charging in a hot foreign country while wearing swags and tails, brushes, feathers, furs, and wastepaperbin hats? What could possibly go wrong?
1936 Youtube with Errol Flynn

Original manuscript

How the Brits went dressed to kill

The National Poet Of Slovenia In A Language People Understand interprets important Slovenian affairs for the non-Slovene speaking world.